life....

wow... I am not sure where to begin, I just had an moment- that I have been running for almost 10 years, its almost the 10th anniversary of Zackarys death date- 02/10/09- 17 days away. I feel so confused and overwhelmed by all that I am feeling. I lost so much- and have so much, how can that be? I run- to and away from things that cause me pain- straight into them, with a vengeance, and as fast and as far away as I can in the opposite direction.

I love to feel loved, to feel needed, I lost that when Zack died, I could not save my son. He died, despite my love for him, he died. And now I struggle with the last 18 months of my life with my "last son" Colton, who truly does not like me, weird I know, but there are many that don't like me, even me at times, too many times lately. He wants little to do with me, and I have to accept that reality, like the reality of Zack being gone.

And hating SIDS and hating when your heart hurts so much, it feels like it is broken! I hate all the pain that I and my circumstances have caused those that I love, my daughters, and my husband, my parents, my friends. I do things when I don't want to, and don't do things when I know I should, smoking, resting, being gentle with myself, and others. I push so hard, to fill the hole... to make it whole. I want the place that I have to feel good, to have joy- to be in the moment- to be good to others, to make a difference, to help, to love to nourish, and yet I can't seem to do that for myself?

I love my SIDS moms, my AIDS patients, my HEP C patients, my broken clients, but I am angry at them, is it okay to feel that way? I am angry that my son rejects me, and that I have no- one to be mad at that he is that way with me, no one to blame- I gave him life and he rejects me, and who can blame him- I am not his safe place- I was too busy being so sick that I could not care for him, nor my other kids.

Its been 10 years, of death, grief, trying to create good from bad, marriage, infertility, miscarriages, birth, cancer, accidents, death, birth, illness, gifts and loss. All this while trying to maintain a positive outlook, with a few fleeting moments where I just gave up- said I was done, sick of being sick, of being sad, of doctors and no answers, of fighting for everything. My life is so complex, its almost comical, almost enough to laugh at- it seems made up- like a story- a novel, a fiction novel, cause 1 person cannot go through all this- and still believe that it will get better, can they?

There were 10 years before Zack, with divorce, illness, single parenting, financial problems, and yet now these seem to be a blur- like they are so far back that the new struggles, outweigh the old. Jess will 21 in a few days- has it all been so much that I am finally coming to terms with the hand that I was dealt- maybe I am mad at the hand, sad that this is what I got? I love my daughters so much, and my sons, and my son that is no longer here. I have a patient husband that nursed me back from the edge, yet I still feel so angry, and sad.

Where does one go from here, when you can no longer run anymore- when it all catches up with you- when you are hyper vigilant and feel everything, like pins and needles? When does all the fighting to make things "better, right" end? I should be rejoicing in the abundance of blessings that I have- my home, my family, my friends, my career, my husband, my humor- shouldn't I?

Am I getting burnt out on trying to always make lemonade, forgiving all those that hurt me, let me down... I am mad that I have to "just accept" what I have and go forward from there- I don't want to.

I am so FREAKING tired....

more of the family!!!!!

Happy 2009

Well- its finally over- 2008 was sure tough- physically, spiritually and financially... and yippee they are over. The goal for 2009- HEALTHY and HAPPY! I am done with surgery- again yippee... and on the mend as they like to say. Too much- in too short of a period of time... so now- believe it or not- it will take more "time" to feel better. The kids are great- Jess is about 3 weeks out to turning 21- Aly still loves High school and is doing so well. Jackson will be 4 in April- and is such a hoot! Colton is almost 18 months- and the vutest we own Work is going well- busy... and I am so greatful to have a job that I love. We just had Zackary's should have been 10th birthday- still is not fair- but time does heal the wounds. Went to the beachouse in Aptos for a few days after Christmas, then to Tahoe for a snow day- the kids loved it- as did we Here we are...
!